Thom Goes to the Convent
by Googlepuss
Summary: I don't WANT to be a knight!" cried Thom. "I want to be a beautiful Lady! I want to wear make up and blue dresses..." Very funny, our best ficcy! Please note, the best stuff is in the later chapters. And yes, it has a plot. It's not just random stuff. :D
1. Thom's Desire

A/N So basically, with a story title like this, we've got two options. 1. We can do the normal book from Thom's point of view, or 2. We can make Thom and Alanna FULLY switch places.  
  
But which one to choose?  
  
Oh, umm...er....number...number...no.....umm...er...  
  
Anonymous Voice: Number two holds up three fingers pick number two mi'ladies!  
  
OK, errrrr...number two!!!  
  
Like the Shrek joke? For anyone who doesn't follow, just read the story anyway.  
  
We've recently added the first two paragraphs to try and improve on our writing style from 2 years ago. The later chapters are far better, by the way, but we haven't gotten around to re-writing the whole thing yet. We thought you'd prefer new material. Enjoy!  
  
The sun was shining, the bees were singing, the birds were humming, and a pair of twins were feeling rejected, just for something different.  
  
The twins were identical, both with red hair, purple eyes and short stature. However, perhaps there was a mix up in the womb of their dead mother. The girl had ended up with a definite boyish personality, and the boy was somewhat gender challenged himself. But their father, being an arsehole, hadn't taken the time to get to know them, and was unaware of this fact.  
  
"That is my decision. We need not discuss it," said the man at the desk. He was already looking at a book. His two children left the room, closing the door behind them.  
  
"He doesn't want us around," the boy muttered. "He doesn't care what we want."  
  
"We know that," was the girl's answer. "He doesn't care about anything, except his books and scrolls."  
  
The boy hit the wall. "I don't want to be a knight! I want to be a beautiful Lady! I want to wear make-up, and earrings, and blue dresses!"  
  
"I HATE that stuff! I want to learn to fight, tilt, fence, be a knight!!!"  
  
"Well, I guess there's no way that we can both get what we want. Tomorrow morning, I will just have to go to the palace and become a knight, and you'll go become a lady at the convent." Said the boy, sniffing slightly, "There's no way out of it"  
  
"Thom, that's it!" the girl said to the boy.  
  
"Give up my dream of ear bobs and dresses so I can go to the palace and get dirty and probably break my leg and disgrace the family name? Is that what you mean Alanna, sister dear?" Thom questioned his sister.  
  
"Yes." Alanna said firmly.  
  
"What? You want me to give up my dream of ear bobs and dresses so I can go to the palace and-"  
  
"What? No, of course not"  
  
"Good, 'cos I was gonna say....."  
  
Alanna cut her brother off "We can switch places! I'll go to the palace and become a knight just like I've always wanted, and you can go to the convent and become a Lady. Anyways, I'll change my name to Alan and you can be-"  
  
"Thomasina!" said Thom brightly  
  
"Yeah, whatever"  
  
"But Coram and Maude know who we are really. They know I'm not Thomasina." Said Thom dejectedly.  
  
"Well, we'll try and talk to Maude. Maybe she can help. Come on!"  
  
A/N Yes, it's very short. But if people like it, maybe more will magically appear one day. Remember, suggestions are always welcome. 


	2. Enter the Fairy Diary

So here it is! The LONG awaited second chapter to (drum roll please) THOM GOES TO THE CONVENT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Previosly (in a bit we didn't write) in Thom goes to the convent:  
  
Maude looked in the fire and saw great things might happen. She agreed to help Thom(asina) and Alan(na). She got up and tripped over the Secret Fairy Diary With Matching Padlock Thom had carelessly left on the floor.  
  
Theme song music plays as the opening credits start  
  
Thom  
  
Thom  
  
The doomed sorceror  
  
Changed his mind and went to the convent  
  
Thom  
  
Thom  
  
Is now Thomasina  
  
Training to be a lady-  
  
"Oh no you don't" author pulls out tape recorder plug, "This is NOT a soapie"  
  
  
  
Later, at the Convent:  
  
"So, Thomasina of Twebond, you come to us to leawn what it is to be a Noble and a Lady, to please and cawe for othews, to learn the wefined awt of bed making and be pwesented at couwt?" the first daughter asked.  
  
Thom thought for a moment, then replied, with feeling, "YES!!!!!!!!"  
  
"So, you have spiwet, ay?"  
  
"YES!!!!!!!!"  
  
"Then you must leawn with othews who have spiwet. You will woom with Delia of Eldowne."  
  
"OK!!!!!!!!"  
  
"Wowena? Please escort Thomasina to her woom."  
  
Rowena curtsied to the First Daughter and made to leave, motioning for Thom to follow her. As she reached the doorway, she tripped over Thom's Secret Fairy Diary With Matching Padlock. "Oh shit!" glances at Thom, "I mean, shirt! Don't you just love shirts?"  
  
"NO!!!!!!!!"  
  
They leave.  
  
~!*!~  
  
Gee, it's awfully short, isn't it?  
  
Thanx to:  
  
The Blind Assassin: You know, we hadn't actually thought of it that way until you said it.  
  
Crown: YES!!!!!!!!  
  
Lady of the lost: We have keeped going now.  
  
hyper mage: That is such a good idea!  
  
Rizka: We're hoping to!  
  
Deviant: :D  
  
White-Wolf: Well, Thomasina is the feminine version of Thomas and Thom is Thomas shortened. So he has to be Thomasina.  
  
(Blank): I like it 2.  
  
Sarai-IceElf: It's fun to tease Thom!  
  
The Endless Waltz Project: That's what we were hoping for.  
  
Da Watermelon(mysteriously posing as Jenny-fer^_^): Continuation done.  
  
The Phoenix: Okay Carla, now that's just plain scary.  
  
ChicaChic: Hocus Pocus here it is. No torture necessary. No, really, you don't have to do it! No! Don't!  
  
Angel-Goddess: I like Thom's Game.  
  
Giovanna: We had to give in when you did the puppy face.  
  
bec: I think you got most of them.  
  
charlotte: So did I. So did I.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Our thanks list is almost longer than our story. Ah well, might be longer nextime. 


	3. Delia gets involved

A/N: Wow! Look at this! TWO chapters in TWO days!!!!!!!!!!!!! Aren't you proud of us?  
  
Disclaimer: Romans, Countrymen, lend me your ears! No, not literally!!! Now look, even the disclaimer's not ours! Part of it belongs to Shakespeare. So if we can't even be original in our disclaimer, what hope do you think our story has? Oh well. We'll say it anyway. Thom and Delia and anyone else you recognise throughout this story from books by Tamora Pierce belong to, you guessed it, TAMORA PIERCE!!!!!!!!!!  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Thom was escorted by Rowena through the a corridor, around several corners, up a staircase, past the class rooms and the 2nd floor lavatory, up another staircase, around several more corners, down a stair case, through the a corridor, around several more corners, up yet another staircase, past the class rooms and the 2nd floor lavatory, up another staircase, around several more corners, down a stair case, through the a corridor, around several corners, up a staircase, past the class rooms and the 2nd floor lavatory, up another staircase, around several more corners and down a stair case.  
  
"Umm, are we just going around in circles?" Thom questioned Rowena.  
  
"Oh !@&%(#. I can't remember !&&#*$@ the way," Rowena exclaimed.  
  
"Oh." Thom thought for a moment. "Maybe this will help" said Thom pointing to a map next to the 2nd floor lavatory with a big arrow on it saying 'You are here'.  
  
"You're probably $%*# right." Said Rowena and examined the map more closely. "Ah, I !&&#$* remember now. Follow me." And she strided off down the hall.  
  
They finally reached a corridor with a sign hanging above it. It said 'For those who have spiwet'.  
  
"This," said Rowena "is where $#^%%& people like you sleep."  
  
A few doors down, was a room with some bags outside. On the door was a slate with writing on it .  
  
Thom read aloud: "'Delia of Eldorne, Thomasina of Trebond' That's me! That's Me!" Thom was jumping up and down excitedly upon seeing his new name.  
  
Rowena opened the door and sitting on the bed with a nail file in their hand was..,  
  
"Oh. My. Gawd! A girl! A real girl!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" squealed Thom.  
  
"Oh, hello, you must be Thomasina of Trebond. I'm Delia of Eldorne, your roommate. The First Daughter told me of your arrival and that I should be expecting you any minute, but that was over four hours ago. Did you get lost or something?"  
  
"Rowena couldn't remember the way, and the she fell down 4 flights of stairs, and then had a call of nature and she took FOREVER!!!!!! I thought she must have fallen in or something," answered Thom.  
  
"Hmpff. For your information, getting your foot ^@&% stuck in the bowl dose not count as #$*^falling in." Rowena left to find the First Daughter again.  
  
"Here, I'll help you unpack," said Delia, moving toward the bags. She picked up one and suddenly landed flat on her face, having tripped over Thom's Secret Fairy Diary With Matching Padlock.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
A/N Yay! This chapie's slightly longer!!! We want lot's of reviews for this chapter cos there probably wont be another for a while. If you read this and don't review, your mean. It doesn't even take much effort! You click the button, you type a name, any name (or none if you really don't want to) the you type :( if you didn't like it, :) if you did, and :D if you really liked it. Or you can write words.  
  
Thanx to:  
  
RoseFyre: Probably wont, seen as it's private and all that, but if he dose, I'm thinking tomato sauce.  
  
Galadriel Greenleaf: :D  
  
ChaChaChica: Put the torture instruments away cos this is as pronto as it's gonna get! Yes, your name IS cool.  
  
nicole: :P :D 


	4. Lets all jump in a time warp

A/N HIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
Lotsa people comented on the First Daughter being like the dude in the Princess Bride. Actuly we based her on Pontius Pilot from The Life of Brian (you may have noticed we are quite obsessed with Brians Life. It comes from having been a part of the first ever stage production of it). The line "So you have spiwet, ay?" comes from that. But hey, as long as you got a laugh out of it.  
  
Disclaimer: Thom and Delia traditionally belong to TP. We have kidnapped them. They are helpless. We laugh evilly. We plan to soon kidnap more people. All will be helpless. Muhahahahahaha!!!  
  
~~~~  
  
Thom and Delia were sitting around one day, but the wonderful auhoresses couldn't think of anything that might happen, so Thom and Delia (now best friends) jumped in a time warp and when they came out it was time to go to the palace.  
  
"Oh I'm so exited!" squealed Thom as they waited outside the first daughter's office. "My whole life has been building towards this moment!"  
  
During his years at the convent, Thom had been an exceptional student, excelling in cosmetics and the refined art of bed making.  
  
Rowena came out of the office. "She's ready to $^*$@ see you now," the woman said softly, awe in her voice as she opened the door to the two best Ladies at the Connvent.  
  
"Ah, giwls. Come closew." Thom and Delia curtsied infront of the First Daughter. "You have leawned as much as you can within these walls. Fwom now on you must put youw lessons into pwactice at the Woyal Palace of His Majesty King Woald of Conte and his Queen, Lianne.  
  
"You leave with the blessings of myself and evewyone at this place. Cawiges awe waiting fow you in the cowtyawd. Now, GET OUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" the woman screamed, causing Thom and Delia to run from the room, tripping over Thom's Secret Fairy Diary With Matching Padlock on their way.  
  
The two girls clambered into the carriages in a rustle of silk, and sat down on the fluffy seats and almost disappeared inside them.  
  
"Can't - expand - lungs - by - inhaling - air - through - my - mouth!" gasped Thom. "Can't - string - words - together - without - gaps - either!"  
  
Rowena pulled Thom out of the cushion that was trying to eat him and the driver shot it. "Sorry 'bout tha'," the diver said. "N't many cushions come bac' ta life once they's dead, but cha always get cha wirdos."  
  
They started to drive away, and Delia was just wondering wether she'd ever see the place again, when Thom screamed "My Secret Fairy Diary With Matching Padlock! It's still in the Daughter's Office!" Brakes squealed as the driver chucked a U ey and drove back towards the Convent.  
  
6 days (and 3 dead cushions) later they arrived at the *dun dun dun* Palace, where they were greeted by.,.  
  
~~~~~  
  
A/N Wow. 2 DIFERENT stories in one day! And this is almost a page long!  
  
Someome in the Audience: So?  
  
Martina: So this is pretty damn good for us. You get Daine's song in the Lumberjacks of Tortall AND this within a few hours of each other. So feel privileged.  
  
Anita: And I'll do my happy dance involving many squarks and tumble turns *does happy dance involving many squarks and tumble turns*  
  
Thanx To:  
  
Kathryn: mmm... Pressing matters.  
  
Chavi: Same here. I get lost on my way from the computer to my room, and that's only about 2 metres away!  
  
Russetwolf713: Yay! Thank you!  
  
SoHo Chic: We're working on the plot, but yeah, this is mostly for laughs.  
  
Lady Knight: Did your eyes roll on the ground? I am hoping you washed them before you put them back.  
  
Mel: :D  
  
Myuu/Kyuu: I was hoping he would tell me too!  
  
Lady Katharine Heartspark: The Diary isn't actuly. It just popped out of thin air. We're in RoseFyre's one (Martina and Anita). What's your name in that?  
  
Lady Arianna: Happy!  
  
SweetiHunni: What's ROFLMAO mean? :)  
  
Poison Ivy: :D  
  
SOF! Save Our Fanfic! Can anyone whose read (or is about to cos we told you to) The Path of Hope: A Kel Story please send ideas for what comes next. There is a MAJOR case of writers block going on here! We might post the start of the next chapter (which is kinda bad) up so the type of people who read that sort of story can give ideas.  
  
Next chapter (or maybe the one after, or the one after) this is gonna get romance. So ya gotta tell us who you want Thom to fall for, and who will fall for Thom.  
  
Cya Nextime. 


	5. The Greeting Squad

Okay!!! Here's more!!! This is now in equal first place for most chapters and in clear first for most reviews out of our stories! Yay!  
  
Disclaimer: How many writers of fanfiction can claim they own all the characters and all the settings in their stories? If you guessed 27, you'd be wrong. The answer is zero. So what makes you think we're any different?  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~`  
  
A man wearing a black suit, tie, shoes, socks, undies, and shades walked up to the carriage to music like Thom and Delia had never heard before.  
  
"Here come the Men in Black. Galaxy defenders. Uh-oh. Here come the Men in Black. Men in Blaa-aack. The wont let you remember."  
  
When he reached the carriage the music stopped and he leaned in the window. "Good morning, Ma'ams, I'm recruiting people to join a rebellion against the crown lead by His Grace the Duke of Conte, and I was wondering if you would be interested in joining his forces. We call ourselves Secret Conte Undertaking Mission, or scum. So would you like to sign up?" the man thrust a clipboard under Thom's nose.  
  
"Ummm, no. Not today." Answered Thom.  
  
"No !^(&# thank you." Replied Rowena.  
  
"Well, I suppose. As long as it's for a good cause." Decided Delia, writing her name on the list.  
  
"Thank you ma'am. We will come for you soon. Now. Look this way please." He held up a flashy memory messer upper thing and flashed it at them. Then he tripped over Thom's Secret Fairy Diary With Matching Padlock, stood up and walked away to:  
  
"Nod your head! The black suits coming. Nod your head! Like this. Nod your head! The black suits coming. Nod your head! Yeah. Yeah. Yeah."  
  
The whole episode left them feeling dazed and confused, until they remembered where they were and drove up to the palace.  
  
When they arrived at the front door, Rowena directed the servents as they took away the luggage. Thom decended gracefully from the cairage in a rustle of silk, Delia tumbled down behind him. Standing not far away was a tall young knight with brown hair. He smiled as he came toward them.  
  
"Hullo fair Ladies. My name is Sir Gareth the Younger of Naxen. Have you just arrived at court?"  
  
Delia smiled at him. "Good morning Sir Gareth. Yes we have just arrived, but I did not know such curtesy was offered to Ladies, else I would have come sooner."  
  
Gary drew himself up, offended. "Not showing enough cutesy, are we?!? I'll have you know we are taught from Pages seven different kinds of etiquette, maners, curtesy.,"  
  
"I - I'm sorry. I didn't mean to offend you or anything." Cried Delia, startled.  
  
"Oh. That's ok then."  
  
At that moment Rowena came up to the three of them. "Come along #&$*^ Lady Delia, Lady Thomasina. We must go and see the Queen now @&&$%."  
  
"Goodbye Sir Gareth." Said Thom.  
  
"There is a ball tonight. I shall see you then?" questioned Gary.  
  
"Most $%#*^ likely." Answered Rowena. "Now we must be leaveing. Good day to you." And with that the three women walked away toward the throne room.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Muhahahaahaaha4hahaaaaaaweee.  
  
Hmm. I wonder what that means?  
  
Thanx to:  
  
Darcel Lucia: It's not a book! So it's all good now.  
  
Dyana-of-Tortall: Das ist Gut!  
  
Zenin: Okay. We wont drop her, but we're not giving a reason for her being at the palace.  
  
Black Rose: I think Wowena is the type of pewson we can all welate to.  
  
not so fairy L: oK (it's a lidle perden!)  
  
Lady Knight: Sad. Nnnnncccchhhhhhh! (blows nose)  
  
Daine of the Queens Riders: We intended it to be stupid.  
  
Jelena: We were gonna do that, but now we have other plans for Jon. Hehehe.  
  
Galadriel Greenleaf: :D  
  
Lady Katharine Heartspark: Down with history homework! Up with sugar!!!  
  
prophecygirl: laff! Laff all you want!!!  
  
Silentflyer: Yihee!!!  
  
The Insane Muses: You should read our Lumberjacks of Tortall. It's the Python Lumberjack song with twists. And it was acctuly the FIRST EVER Life of Brian on stage, and we were nominated for all these awards and stuff. I was the woman who threw the first stone (Sorry, I thought we'd started!) and the second prophet (And the demon shall wield a nine bladed sword! Nine bladed!). I was the younget cast member by one day. It was soooo cool.  
  
So see ya nextime!  
  
~Toodles from Googlepuss. 


	6. Get your own Fairy Diary!

A/N: We're updating and our story's only on page 3! Eeep!  
  
Disclaimer: Bring bring! Bring bring! *Picks up phone* Hello? Yes this is Googlepuss. Uh-hu. Yes, okay. Well, you see, I'd like to sell you the rights to the characters, truly I would. But you see, the problem is, I don't own them. I'm very sorry, but you'll have to take it up with Tamora Pierce. Goodbye!  
  
~~~~~~~~  
  
After visiting Queen Lianne and becoming official Ladies of the Court, they returned to their rooms to freshen up.  
  
"Rowena, for some reason this has never been mentioned before, but my twin is a Squire in the palace and I would very much like to see them soon." Said Thom.  
  
Rowena thought back over the entire time she had known Thomasina. "Your right. It has never been $*^^(# mentioned before to me or anyone within the convent. But for reasons no-one will ever know, we already %&*@$% have knowledge of this and I have arranged Squire Alan to meet us when we return to the ladies wing."  
  
Thom stared blankly at her. "Who's Squire Alan?"  
  
"Your - brother." Replied Delia, somewhat confused as she tripped over Thom's Secret Fairy Diary With Matching Padlock.  
  
"But I don't have a - Oh! That Alan!" Thom said hurriedly. "I know who your talking about."  
  
Meanwhile, a similar conversation was going on.  
  
"But Jon, I don't have a - Oh! That Thomasina!" Alanna said hurriedly. "I know who your talking about."  
  
Sometime later:  
  
Alanna and Jon were waiting outside the rooms granted to Lady Thomasina of Trebond, hand in hand. Just then around the corner came Thom, Delia and Rowena.  
  
"Sister dear!" cried Thom, running towards Alanna.  
  
"Brother dear!" cried Alanna, running towards Thom.  
  
They hugged each other tightly, and Alanna kissed her brother on the cheek. Jon looked jealous.  
  
"Jon said that Raoul said that Alex said that Duke Barid said that Sir Myles said that Scholar said that Lightfingers said that George said that Stefan said that Timon said that Duke Gareth said that King Roald said that Queen Lianne said that you had arrived at the palace and that I should meet you outside your room purple monkey dishwasher. But that was over four hours ago! Did you get lost of something?" stated Alanna.  
  
"Well," explained Thom, "Rowena was walking around with her eyes closed and it took her some time to realise that was the problem. And then she felt a little peckish so we went to the kitchen and she took FOREVER! I thought she must have tried to eat a house or something!"  
  
"For your information eating a roof and three windows dose not count as eating a house." Rowena stalked off back to the kitchen to finish the job.  
  
Jon, Alanna, Delia and Thom talked a little longer then left for their rooms to prepare for the coming ball.  
  
~~~~~~~~~~  
  
Guess what? After much persuasion Thom finaly told us how we can get a Secret Fairy Diary With Matching Padlock! All you have to do is follow the easy steps.  
  
Step 1. Copy and paste the flowing code into a word processor.  
  
________ I.,.,.,.,.,.,.,.II,.,.oK,.,+.II,.,.,.,.,.,O,II,.,.,.oK,.,.II_______I  
  
Step 2. Before every you see in the code, press enter or return.  
  
Step 3. Highlight the whole thing and colour it pink.  
  
oK are the fairies and  
  
+  
  
O  
  
Is the padlock.  
  
Get it?  
  
It looks sorta lame, but you've all been bugging us about getting one so here it is! Never mock the Secret Fairy Diary With Matching Padlock!  
  
Thanx to:  
  
RegFrankieFan: Yeah, she has Tourette Syndrome (obsessive compulsive swearing).  
  
Charlotte: Glad you found it!  
  
Dyanna-of-Tortall: Pink it is!  
  
RoseFyre: Right Now!  
  
Zenin: Maybe you can..,.  
  
Lady Knight: We dunno.  
  
Lady Katharine Heartspark: I already did. It's cool.  
  
Galadriel Greenleaf: O Happy Day!  
  
Wingstar: OK.  
  
Princess Alanna Cooper: :)  
  
Lady Sandraline: :D  
  
Chopstix*: Now you can!  
  
Jelena: No, sorry. I'm working on that in On the Other Side of the Mirror, though.  
  
Wildcat: We'll try.  
  
Thumpet: Hehehe.  
  
Review the chapter, make the diary, and more will come soon.  
  
~Toodles from Googles 


	7. Thom's big day

********************IMPORTANT*****NOTICE!********************  
  
If you notice this notice you will notice it is not worth noticing.  
  
Hi all! We is listing to Black suits coming! Case closed erased me foes! One little flash! Galaxy defenders don't act like you don't remember! I think We has sung enough. If you wanna rock you say! Okay, it's over. Story now.  
  
Disclaimer: All the characters you know are my hostages, they are sitting here, gagged and blind folded awaiting my needs. The ones you don't know or might only know from the last chapters are having a coffee break in the other room. We WILL return Thom and co. We just need to use them first.  
  
~*~~*~  
  
Thom and Delia stood together in the small chamber outside the great doors of the Queen's Ballroom, ready to descend the Great Stair. Thom's dress was made of the finest silk in a shade of dark purple that set off his eyes, with a full skirt, embroided at the hem in a pattern of spring flowers. The top of the dress was tightly fitted and had a scoop neck. The sleeves were cut of at the shoulder with a piece of silk across his arm (okay, we've all seen Beauty and the Beast, right? Think the sort of bits Bell has for sleeves on her ball gown, but with extra bits). His hair was braided and coiled into a bun at the back of his head with two locks that framed his face perfectly. He had a golden chain around his neck with a delicately made flower with an amethyst at it's centre hanging off it. There were amethysts at his ears, and the whole effect was breathtaking.  
  
Delia was wearing a green dress.  
  
The Herald summoned Delia to the door. "In a moment, I will open the door, and announce your name to the crowd. You must then descend the Great stair into the room and bow in front of the king and queen. The rest is up to you. I once announced a girl who decided to go crowd surfing, but I wouldn't recommend it."  
  
Delia nodded and the Herald opened one side of the door. "Lady Delia of Eldorne!" he cried, as Delia made her way down the stair into the ballroom.  
  
Then it was Thom's turn. He gulped nervously as the Herald beckoned to him.  
  
In the ballroom a hush fell over the crowds of men and women as both sides of the door were flung open. Both were only used for visiting royalty.  
  
A yell was heard in the air. "Gods damn wind!" cried the herald as he struggled to close the door that had blown open.  
  
When he had managed to finally pull it shut, the man announced "Thomasina of Trebond!"  
  
~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!~!  
  
Latter at the ball:  
  
Thom and Delia were dancing in a large group of men and women that included Gary, Raoul, Alex, Dukes Barid, Roger and Gareth, King Roald, Queen Lianne, and numerous other men and women of the court. The band struck up the next song and the caller (like in bush dancing) called "Okay, whose ready for the Chicken Dance!?!" Around the room there were cheers as everyone sang along to the music:  
  
Dada dada dada da. Dada dada dada da. Daa daa daa da. Clap clap clap clap.  
  
Jon and Alanna were dancing very close to each other in a corner. Almost everyone else joined the big group in the middle. "OK" yelled the caller, tripping over Thom's Secret Fairy Diary With Matching Padlock. "Now every one join hands and get ready for the Hokey Pokey! You put your right hand in..." Everyone was dancing madly except Jon and Alanna who were making out in the corner.  
  
Sudenly Thom glanced at the sky. "Oh my gods! It's 7:30! It's past my bedtime! Goodnight everyone!"  
  
"Goodnight!" chourused the dancers, as Thom went off to bed after his big day.  
  
#$#$#$#$#$#$#$##$#$#$#$$$#$#  
  
A/N : Okay, anyone whose read Cerannie by RoseFyre (and her authors notes!) will recognise this. It's a check! If you read our authors notes please include the word Antidisestablishmentarianism (Oh my gods! I spelt that right first time! Congratulate me!) in your review! It doesn't have to make sense. As a matter of fact, neither of us knows what it means anyway. Ah well, R+R and more will be soon.  
  
Thanx 2:  
  
Neal and Jelena of Queenscove: you never know...  
  
Some Random Reviewer: Were still deciding, but it's defiantly a possibility.  
  
The-little-insomniac: We're on another favourites list, doo da, doo da, we're on another favourites list, oh doo doo da day.  
  
RoseFyre: We like that bit lots too.  
  
LadyKnight: Me too!  
  
Cai - Dragon Saviour: Anita found it too *Anita rubs head*  
  
StarFire: Good on ya!  
  
Dyana-of-Tortall: Nooooooooooooooooo! We'll be good.  
  
Chopstix*: Yay. Floor.  
  
Lady Katharine Heartspark: I've almost finished search for the six. Just give me a few days until my exams are done.  
  
BraveSirRobin ran away: Huh?  
  
Charlotte: Yup!  
  
Archeress: Hehe. Shirt.  
  
Shinnonu: As many as you like.  
  
Myuu/Kyuu: Can we borrow your mallet?  
  
A/N: I made up a new one: Mwehehehehehehehe  
  
Just ignore her. She's off her rocker.  
  
Mmmmmmm.......rocker.......  
  
Like I said. REVIEW!!!!!!! 


	8. A nice little stroll through the Menager...

A/N HHHHIIIII!!!!! How are you? We is good. It's a weekend. We both have homework. BUT OUR EXAMS ARE OVER!!!!! YES!!!!!  
  
Guess what? We've got 106 reviews!!! Yay!!!!  
  
Disclaimer: Not ours. Not yours. Tamora Pierce's! And assorted movies and such mentioned in our bottom A/N. Story Now!  
  
*^^*^*^^*^*^^*^*^^*^  
  
Early the next morning - 11:59 to be precise - Raoul came to see Thom in his rooms.  
  
"Good morning Thomasina!" said Raoul brightly. "I was wondering if you would like to go walking with me on this fine morning?"  
  
"It's too EARLY!" moaned Thom.  
  
"Um, it's 11:59, actually." Corrected Raoul.  
  
"Oh. I'd love too!" cried Thom, delighted by the idea of being courted by a bloke.  
  
"Let's go to the Movie Menagerie, and look at all the animals." Raoul suggested.  
  
"Okay, just let me change."  
  
Thom re-emerged a few minutes latter wearing tight, metallic jeans with glitter down the sides and a halter neck top which was covered in electric blue sequins.  
  
"Um, what are you wearing Thomasina?" asked Raoul.  
  
Thom looked down at his outfit. "Yes, I guess it is a bit ahead of time, isn't it. I'll go change."  
  
The door opened not long after to reveal Thom wearing a knee length dress with one shoulder strap, made out of what appeared to be some sort of animal skin.  
  
"Thomasina, I mean no offence, but you look like a cave woman!" cried Raoul.  
  
"Maybe this one is a bit old. Hold on a second." And he disappeared to change once more.  
  
When Thom opened the door this time, he wore a cream coloured shift under a floor length dress in a shade of pale blue. "Better?"  
  
"Much better."  
  
Raoul gave Thom his arm and Thom placed his hand on the offered arm, and they were off.  
  
It wasn't long before they came to the Door to the Menagerie. "This is the Door to the Menagerie!" exclaimed Raoul with delight.  
  
"Wow! I wonder what kind of Animals we'll find inside?" wondered Thom.  
  
"Uh, yeah. Animals." Said Raoul, his eyes darting from side to side.  
  
Raoul opened the Door to the Menagerie and a wailing voice met their ears. The source of the voice was soon discovered to be a small donkey wandering about his enclosure.  
  
"'Cos I'm all alone,  
  
There's no-one here beside meeeeee.  
  
My troubles have all gone  
  
There's no-one to deriiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiide meeeeee.  
  
But you gotta have frieeeeeeeeee - "  
  
"STOP SINGING!!!!!" cried Raoul to the Donkey. "Sorry about him," he said to Thom, "He dose that occasionally."  
  
"Pwaaaah! What stinks?" said Thom as they approached the next enclosure.  
  
"Sorry." Said a warthog tearfully.  
  
A meerkat patted him on the shoulder. "There, there Pumbaa. It's okay. If the lady knows whats good for her, she wont insult you again." He said, glaring at Thom. Thom backed away slowly.  
  
Along the corridor an ape named ape was caged in a cage. Before him a game of chess was set up. "Fancy a game of chess Raoul?" asked the ape. "Oh, sorry, you've got company. Uh, Ooh oooh ahh ah ahh!" the ape hooted.  
  
Around the corner was an enclosure that was completely black and white. Thom looked closer and discovered they were actually dogs!  
  
"These are our 101 Dalmatians," explained Raoul.  
  
"Are you sure there's 101?" asked Thom.  
  
"Yup!"  
  
"Well, I'll just check. 1, 2, 3, 4..."  
  
Sometime later...  
  
"100, 101, 102!"  
  
"You counted that one twice." Stated Raoul.  
  
"My mistake. 101 it is."  
  
The next enclosure held a strange looking man wearing a green, white and purple... thing.  
  
"Sir! Release me now! This is not dignified treatment of a space ranger! I am not an animal! I'm warning you! My laser is currently set to stun, but I can change that!" The man flipped a covering off his wrist and aimed a tiny blinking light bulb at Thom and Raoul.  
  
Raoul sighed. "Buzz, we've been through this before. Under chapter 6, paragraph 9, section 2 of The Compact Menagerie Handbook, available at all good bookstores, Space Rangers ARE classified as animals. I can't change it, you can't change it, and as long as it holds true, we can keep you here. It's that simple!"  
  
Buzz grumbled t himself as Thom and Raoul moved off through the rest of the menagerie.  
  
By the time they reached the end, Thom had seen a pig named Babe, a crab who claimed to be a symphony orchestra conducter, a winged horse, some strange creatures Raoul called ewoks, a mouse with big black ears and red shorts, a big grey shaggy bear who was singing about something he called the 'bare necessities', a couple of green slimy things with tentacles called Kang and Kodos, a tiger, sorry, Tigger with a very bouncy tail, and a beast. (A/N Extra brownie points to anyone who knows where all the animals are from.)  
  
On their way out of the menagerie, Raoul tripped over Thom's Secret Fairy Diary With Matching Padlock. Pulling himself upright again, he came face to face with Alanna.  
  
"Hi Alan! I was just showing your sister here the menagerie."  
  
"Sis - Ohhhhhhhh. Sister. Yes. My sister." Alanna coughed. "Well, actually, I was going to ask Thom - asina if h - she would like to go down to the city with I - me."  
  
"Squire Alan and #%&%@ Prince Jonathon can show us the #%*(*(#@ sights, and then we can go shopping for )^$!!$& a new dress for you to wear tonight." Rowena explained to Thom.  
  
"That sounds fantastic! Thankyou very muchly Sir Raoul." And off they went.  
  
^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*^*  
  
A/N Yay. Menagerie. The animals and not quite animals (in order) were from: Shrek, The Lion King, George of the Jungle, 101 Dalmatians, Toy Story, Babe, The Little Mermaid, Hercules, Star Wars, Mickey Mouse cartoons, The Jungle Book, The Simpsons, Winnie the Pooh, and Beauty and the Beast.  
  
Did you like that chapter? It was good to write. It just kept flowing nicely. Don't you just love it when a story dose that?  
  
Cool! We've just gone over 4 pages! Yee hee!  
  
Thanx2:  
  
Jelena: Are you happy again yet?  
  
LadyKnight: Yeah! Exclamation marks!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
StarFire: Thanks!  
  
RoseFyre: All our chapters are short! This one's longer than the last one though.  
  
Dyana-of-Tortall: Yeah! Go us!  
  
Lady Katharine Heartspark: Woof woof growl bark bark! No?  
  
Amethyst Eyes: :D  
  
Some Random Reviewer: ^_^  
  
Chopstix*: Okay. Here go.  
  
The-little-insomniac: Gods damn wind!!! Heh heh heh.  
  
Queen of Fluff: *bows* Thank you, your Grace. *stage hand whispers in ear* What? Grace is a Duke? Ah well.  
  
Devilkitti8: Yay! You reviewed all the chapters! We love it when people do that! What's RHPS? Scary is right. Sorry about the length of these chapters, but have you ever noticed how much easier it is to write short chapters rather than long ones? We update more often like this.  
  
Punkpixie87: Yay! And did u like the Path of Hope? It's okay if you didn't, just tell us wether or not u want it, K?  
  
Silver Dragon: Yeah... read the above above note, K? Thanks for reviewing!  
  
Thanks to everyone who reviews this!!! Your all fantastic!!!!!  
  
Toodles! 


	9. Shopping Time!

A/N Hey everyone. Sorry about the long wait. But we've finally got it up!  
  
Ugh. I hate being in year 10. We've had three assessments for our SC already! And it's only term 1!  
  
My friend Bridget revealed a hidden talent today. She can take any movie she's seen and relate it back to Lord of the Rings. For example, 10 Things I Hate About You has Heath Ledger, he's in Ned Kelly with Orlando Bloom, Orlando plays Legolas. The hardest one was 8 Mile, but she did it (going through 8 movies). See if you can find one she can't do (tell me the movie and I'll tell her). She wants a challenge.  
  
Disclaimer: This will be the last disclaimer. It's difficult to think up new ones all the time, and it's pretty obvious we don't own the characters (Rowena not withstanding) and most of the jokes are from elsewhere. But hey, they're good in their new context, especially if you know where they came from.  
  
On with the story. And you get to meet George today!  
  
@##$##@##$##@##$##@##$##@##$##@  
  
Thom, Alanna, Jonathon and Rowena walked down. Then up. Then from side to side. They continued in that general direction and eventually skipped into the Dancing Dove for lunch.  
  
George was standing on a table at the far end of the large common room, addressing the assembled rouges. (A/N Yes, we do know they only usually come there at night. Just pretend, okay?) The men were cheering and clapping loudly.  
  
"As a young boy," cried George, "I dreamed of being a base ball. But now I say, we must move forward, not backward, upward, not forward, and always twirling, twirling, twirling towards success!" Everyone cheered as George started spinning around the table. He noticed Jon and Alanna about then, and jumped over the men's heads to land with an elephants grace before Alanna, Thom, Jon and Rowena.  
  
"Hullo Alan, Jon. How've you been?" George greeted them.  
  
"Hey George. Have you met Alan's sister? Lady Thomasina of Trebond? And this is her sort of guardian type person from the convent, Rowena. We don't know why she's here. She just turned up one day." Explained Jon.  
  
Rowena coughed and looked embarrassed. "Well, #^**$% your highness, when a mummy and a !&$$* daddy love each other very much..."  
  
"He MEANT why you came to the palace!" interrupted Alanna, before Rowena could go any further.  
  
"Oh." Rowena shrugged.  
  
"Just outa curiosity, why are you here?" asked George curiously "I mean you're a few minutes late for lunch and a few good hours early for dinner."  
  
"Well, we were just wondering..." said Thom, scuffing his foot on the ground nervously.  
  
"Seeing as you know the city so well..." added Alanna.  
  
"Do you know any good clothing places where we can buy clothes and stuff?" Jon asked outright.  
  
"Oh sure! There's some really great places around here, and really lax security too. My personal favourites are Supre and Smarty Pants. Just Jeans is pretty good too, and sometimes you can lucky in Target."  
  
"Okay, lets do lunch, then go shopping!" cried Alanna, full of joy.  
  
"But I told you, you're a few minutes late for lunch. All I can offer you is the regular menu, rather than the lunch one." Said George sadly. And he picked up 4 menus from the counter.  
  
"But these are the lunch menus!" said Jon, his voice full of wonder.  
  
"Oh! That's okay then!" and they sat down to eat. After a while, Alanna and Jon began to make out, but no-one seemed to notice.  
  
The only upset was when a serving girl tripped over Thom's Secret Fairy Diary With Matching Padlock, spilling Coke all over the floor. George went over to the mess. He crouched down to the puddle and dipped the end of a finger into the brown liquid. He touched the end of his finger to his tongue, and gasped.  
  
"What is it George?" asked Alanna quietly, breaking away from Jon's hold and kneeling beside George. From the look on his face, it could well have been poison.  
  
"It's.... Pepsi."  
  
Everyone made the Sign against evil on their chests.  
  
**^^^^**^^^^**^^^^**^^^^**  
  
After the Pepsi/Coke incident everyone lost their appetites so they decided to go shopping. They decided to visit Supre first as that would be the least crowded. (A/N Joke)  
  
"Good afternoon Georgelina," said the woman at the desk, addressing George. "The usual I presume?"  
  
"Shhhurup" hissed George putting his finger to his lips and gesturing behind him.  
  
"Oh, right. Company. Never you worry. Your secret is safe with me Georgelina," said the woman brightly and rather loudly. "No-one shall ever find out from me that you buy woman's clothing!" Surprisingly, no one else heard her.  
  
"It's for strictly professional reasons, I hope you realize." Said George in a low voice.  
  
"Oh yes yes. Now what can I do for you?" asked the woman.  
  
**%**%**%**%**%**  
  
3 hours latter, the 5 of them were heading back up to the palace, their arms loaded with plastic shopping bags. Actually, they decided they wanted to be environmentally friendly so they exchanged their plastic for calico. Alanna's and Jon's bags had happy smiling worlds on them (like on the ENYO add?). George's bag the recycling symbol, Tom's bag had broken bottles and a bin, Rowena's bag had a very graphic picture of a dolphin being strangled by a six pack wrapper, a fish with a half eaten plastic bag sticking out of it's mouth, and a seal wrapped in a length of nylon cord. Needless to say, passers by were giving her rather strange looks.  
  
"Well, I guess it's time for me to go." Said George sadly. "I've got a large robbery to oversee at that house near the watermelon stall at the market place." He glanced at Rowena. "I've said to much." He pulled out a silver memory messer upper thingie, and pulled on a pair of electric pink sunnies. Alanna and Jon also put on sunnies, as George flashed it in Rowena's direction. "You do not know anything about a robbery taking place tonight at 11:45 sharp."  
  
"Where do you get those things anyway?" asked Alanna.  
  
"Oh, places..." replied George.  
  
~~$~~$~~$~~$  
  
When Thom arrived back to his rooms, he found a note on his door.  
  
Dear Thomasina,  
  
Your eyes are as purple as the sludge on the pond,  
  
Your hair is as red as tomato sauce,  
  
Your skin is as white as month old parchment,  
  
Your lips glow like fog on a rainy day,  
  
Your freckles are like sequins,  
  
And I don't really notice that zit on your nose,  
  
You're more beautiful than the sight of a half dead dog to a man on the brink of starvation,  
  
And that's more beautiful than me and Jon combined.  
  
Love, Gaza.  
  
"Oh, he writes such sweet words!" exclaimed Thom. "It's such a pity he did not leave his real name. I wonder who my "Gaza" could be?"  
  
And with that he flopped down on to the bed to dream of the coming day.  
  
%^^&^^%^^&^^%^^&^^%  
  
A/N So that's chapter 9! Don't you just love Gary's poetry?  
  
Thanx 2:  
  
RoseFyre: Thanks! And update Cerannie!  
  
Eve of Mirkwood: Guess what? We know what's gonna be in the next chapter! So you'll have more sooner (maybe).  
  
Insane Kitten: No! Not you're SPEEN!  
  
Devillkitti8: Same-o. Reviewing all chaps is good. I did 39 in a row to Lady Katharine Heartspark once!  
  
Lady Katharine Heartspark: Oh! We were just talking about you! Quack quack! I'm a zucchini! And what did you think about Roger? I've pretty much worked it out, but I've hit a rock. I'll email you latter.  
  
Dyanna-of-Tortall: Yup! SFDWMP 4eva!  
  
Silver Dragon: Hey... didn't you review before? Oh, that was the last chapter. Sorry, my bad.  
  
Evilstrawberry: Hmmm... how much milk?  
  
Not so faerie L: Sumthings gonna get found out next chap. Wont say 2 much yet...  
  
Ash Kinsa: I did put who was who in the A/N, but the Ape's name is Ape and Kang and Kodos are the green aliens from the Simpsons.  
  
Princess Cora: Sure u can draw the SFDWMP. Scan it and send it to us when you're done! Remember, it's gotta be pink. You reviewed all the chapters! I love it when people do that!  
  
SweetiHunni: Thanks Heaps! You reviewed all the chapters 2! I love it when people do that!  
  
Sarai-IceElf: Much Yayness!  
  
Bridget: Answer me one thing missie. WHY did you hit "submit" 9 times? I dunno about the Fellowship thing. I think School will be enough (when I get around to it).  
  
Hannirose: I can't remember where it came from. I think we were just lounging around one day and one of us said "Hey, what about..." and there it was!  
  
Alanna: Thankidoodles!  
  
Star_Girl: Thanks!  
  
One again, thanks to everyone who reviewed. Luv you all!  
  
If you're reading this and you see the last update date and it's like 6 months ago, please still review with your comments and stuff. All who review, even at the last chap, will get their own personal shout out! So what are you waiting for? This story WILL finish, cos we know how it's gonna end. So you will get ur shout out.  
  
Cya all nextime. Toodles!  
  
Googlepuss. 


	10. Thom finds Scum!

A/N: Whoa, it's been yonks, hasn't it! All our once loyal readers have probably given up too! Ah well! What can you do? And don't say post more often! It won't happen! Neways, here's chapter 10 (yeah! Double didgits!).  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
The next day, Thom was gracing the corridors with his presence. Suddenly, he noticed a shadow lurking behind a suit of armour. "Who's there?" he called, a slight tremor in his voice. When there was no answer, he drew a little of his Gift into his palm to make a light.  
  
The light revealed a tall man peering through a crack in the wall. He had a neatly trimmed beard, as black as the Prince's, and was dressed in a long black cloak. "Oh, my apologiesss," said the man in an evil hiss. "Allow me to introducess myssself. My name isss Duke Roger of Conte. Perhapsss you've heard of me? Order of Mithrosss, Blue Robe, and 3 time winner of the Persssopilisss Mossst Handsssom Sssorcsserer award."  
  
"Sorry, no." Thom replied. "Umm, why do you talk like that?"  
  
"Like what?" asked Roger, immediately dropping his hissss.  
  
"Oh. Nothing." Thom's reply was followed by an awkward silence. "Er, so. If you're famous, and stuff, can I have you're autograph?"  
  
"Sure! Oh #$$%&. I don't have any paper on me. Would you like to come back to my office, and I'll find you one?"  
  
"Jolly good! Let's go!" said Thom excitedly.  
  
They soon arrived at a large black door, with 'Duke Roger of Conte' carved into it. Below this was a large sign, saying in bold red letters:  
  
S. ecret  
  
C. onte  
  
U. ndertaking  
  
M. ission  
  
Headquarters  
  
Duke Roger opened the door and showed Thom inside. The room was... breathtaking. It seemed to be made out of shiny black stone (if you've seen LOTR, think Orthanc). Everything was black. The walls, the floor, the furniture, even the ceiling. An evil blue and white fire cackled in the fireplace. On small, sharp tables around the room sat objects like human hands, animal skulls and pickled newts. One wall was covered by a book case, holding titles such as "How To Kill Your Aunt And Uncle Without Anyone Finding Out", "101 EVIL Things To Do", "Secret Organizations For Dummies" and, the most evil sounding of all, "Harry Potter and the Philosophers Stone". Roger sat himself on a throne like chair behind a big black desk and began hunting through the draws for paper.  
  
"Ah, here we go. Would you like red or blue ink?" asked Roger. "I'm rather partial to the red myself. It reminds me of bloo- uh, roses!"  
  
"Ooh, red please!" said Thom.  
  
"To whom should I make it out to?"  
  
"Thomasina of Trebond, please."  
  
"There you go. Now, I -" Roger was cut off by a man bursting in from a side chamber.  
  
"King Roger! We need you to settle this bet!" cried the man.  
  
"Right away!" said Roger enthusiastically, forgetting about Thom in an instant and following the man into the room. "What's it about?"  
  
"We're taking a bet as to how long it will be before you claim the throne of Tortall. I'm betting 2 months, Delia's betting 3, and Alex is betting an hour and a half. What do you say?"  
  
"This will take some time," Roger replied.  
  
2 hours latter, the appropriate documents had been drawn up, and all that remained was for them to be signed and stored neatly in one of the clearly marked boxes on the left hand side of the room.  
  
"Um," said Alex uncertainly, "I think I'd like to withdraw my bet." He looked around cautiously to see if anyone else had noticed the time he had set was already up.  
  
"Come on Al. Just sign it already!" Roger hissed exasperatedly. Alex signed, and Roger moved to put the paper in its correct box. On his way there, however, he tripped over Thom's Secret Fairy Diary With Matching Padlock. None of the members of Scum moved to help their leader.  
  
"Are you okay?" asked Thom, helping Roger to his feet.  
  
"Are you still here?" Roger looked annoyed for a moment, but as he looked into Thom's deep purple eyes, his expression turned to one of adoration. "Thomasina, I must meet with you again. Tonight. Please, meet me in the rose garden. I love the red roses best. They remind me of bloo- uh, roses!"  
  
"I'd love to!" said Thom, realizing he had just been asked out on a second date. I'll see you there!"  
  
Happily, Thom left to prepare for the coming evening.  
  
Roger smiled to himself. "There's only one thing you can do at a time like this," he said. "Strut!"  
  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
  
A/N: So, whadaya think? Love it? Hate it? Got any ideas for the next bit? We know roughly where we're going, but the bit in between is hard.  
  
Thanx 2:  
  
White Pheonix Erialis: Thanks!  
  
the FLAMER: Yeah, there's 2. Hope you liked the rest too!  
  
Evilstrawberry: Sry, Thom's secret admirer might show up again in the next chapter. We have plans. Hehehe...  
  
Devilkitti8: Disturbing, yes. But isn't the whole thing?  
  
Insert Catchy Name Here: SFDWMP is none other than the Secret Fairy Diary With Matching Padlock!  
  
6-a opal: Heh. Poor Thomas.  
  
Spice: Thanks!  
  
Hannirose: Everyone thinks we hate Pepsi after that. We actually quite like it, epecially Pepsi Max cos it's sometime got pictures of the one, the only, ARAGORN!!!  
  
Tomato Beatles Fan: She did it.  
  
Ice-otter: Don't worry. Just tell them you're laughing at a pair of electric pink sunnies, and they will slowly back away and leave you alone.  
  
Dyana-of-Tortall: Thanks!  
  
Sarai-IceElf: That poetry was so fun to do!  
  
SnogginGodess: Thanks!  
  
Milly: See you when you get home next!  
  
Mist Tiger: Frankly, no-one gets it. He's stuffed numerous times, but they just don't get it.  
  
Rogue-kaiya: yup! Scary!  
  
Some person: Thanks!  
  
Once again, thanks to everyone who reviewed. Now you all know what comes next! REVIEW! If u do, you get a present! You get your own, personal shout- out! So what are u waiting 4? Let us know what you think!  
  
~Googlepuss 


	11. A Revelation

Hello, and thankyou for choosing Googlepuss Airways. Before we begin the story, there are a few safety precautions we would like to go over.  
  
1. Please refrain from eating peanuts whilst reading. It is possible you will begin to laugh and may choke on the peanuts. Also, they may create a mess if accidentally sprayed on your screen.  
  
2. Do not use your CD drive as a coffee cup holder.  
  
3. It is in your best interests not to try to swallow the mouse. This may make it difficult to operate your computer.  
  
Thankyou. Chapter 11 of Thom Goes to the Convent will begin momentarily.  
  
!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!*!  
  
"So, Thom, how did your date go?" asked Alanna. She and her brother were sitting in his room the next day. Alanna had helped her brother prepare for his date with Roger, and was now eager to hear all the goss.  
  
"It was..." Thom struggled for the right word. "Odd."  
  
"How so?" asked his sister.  
  
"We met in the rose garden," Thom explained. " that part was fine, he greeted me and then suggested we go for a walk into the city as he knew of a fine eating house he was sure I would enjoy."  
  
"What was wrong with that?" Alanna asked curiously.  
  
"Nothing really, he just kept making these really strange remarks."  
  
"As in..?"  
  
"Well, we would walk past a member of the Kings Own, and he would yell 'Death to the King and all who follow in his bloodline!'".  
  
"I wonder why?" said Alanna thoughtfully.  
  
@#@#@#@#@#@#@#@#@#@#@#  
  
That night a great banquet was held in honour of Douglass' ordeal. He didn't pass, but the King and Queen felt to honour him for trying anyway.  
  
A/N: Marti: Um, Anita? When people fail their Ordeal, they usually die.  
  
Neat: Shhhhhhhhhhhh. They'll hear you! (end A/N)  
  
Roger was Thom's dinner partner. Thom was enjoying himself immensely, although he was still a little confused by Roger's behaviour. Sometime during the eighth course, while no-one else was looking, Roger stood up and flung a large dagger at the Queen. The dagger lodged itself firmly in the queen's chair, just a few centimetres from her head. The Queen and King looked at it, looked at each other, shrugged, and went back to their meal.  
  
"Damn!" said Roger, tripping over Thom's Secret Fairy Diary With Matching Padlock as he sat back down.  
  
Shortly thereafter, during the twelfth course, Roger stood up once again. This time, a small dagger was aimed at the Queen. It lodged itself in the hilt of it's predecessor, promoting much the same response from the monarchs.  
  
"Grrrr!" was Roger's response.  
  
Some time later, in the middle of the twenty-first course, Roger once again stood and threw something towards the dias. The base-ball bat, however, had as little effect as the daggers.  
  
"Damn! I'm out of things to throw!" cried Roger.  
  
Thom chose to ignore Roger's strange behaviour, choosing to concentrate on deciphering the name of the one who was writing him poetry. He had received another note just that afternoon, signed Justas mysteriously "Gaza" It read:  
  
Dear Thomasina,  
  
With the whistle of the wind comes the hoarse croak that is your divine voice.  
  
As the autumn leaves fall, it is the texture of your pristine flesh.  
  
I watch the blood drip away on the practise courts, and I know it is your silky hair.  
  
A boot caked in mud is but a place that you might lay your dainty hoof.  
  
Everything in this bleak and ruffled world is but a window for my mind to your ever-present earth-worm-like glow.  
  
With more love than you'd find in a pigsty full of pigs on heat,  
  
Love, Gaza  
  
He was so romantic, and his poetry was better than any of that that had graced the wall of the Convent lavatories. Thom was far more in love with his mysterious "Gaza" than the man sitting next to him.  
  
The banquet ended within a few hours, and Thom retreated to his room, after exchanging well wishes with his fellow diners. He sat down at his writing desk with the two letters from "Gaza" and took out a writing implement. He then began re-arranging the letters of Gaza's name in an attempt to form a name he recognised. Azag, Zaga, Gzaa, none of these seemed to fit.  
  
He was troubled, however, by images of Roger flashing before his eyes. Roger throwing a dagger, Roger yelling death to Conte, Roger eating spaghetti, the sign in blood red letters on Roger's front door.....  
  
"Oh Mithros!" exclaimed Thom. "I think Roger may like the colour RED!" With that out of the way, Thom returned to his musings. But the visions of Roger kept coming. The books on Roger's bookshelf, the decor in Roger's office, Roger flying a kite...  
  
"Great Mother!" exclaimed Thom. "Roger is trying to..." and he had to think very hard... "Kill the Queen!"  
  
Thom resolved to tell Alanna first thing in the morning. This was definitely big news!  
  
^&^ &^&^&^&^&^&^&^ &^&^&^&^&^&^&^&^&^ &^&^&^&^&  
  
And there we go! Who said we weren't updating?  
  
Thanx to:  
  
Rachel: Thakyou very muckly!  
  
Devilkitti8: Yes, disturbing is a good thing! Like Gary's poetry.  
  
Thom: It's probably not as quickly as you would have liked, but it's here!!!  
  
Evilstrawberry: Gasp! We actually updated again!  
  
Ariel4: Thanki Danki!  
  
Sarai-IceElf: Such a shame DotG collapsed, isn't it?  
  
Deuce: Yes, very. And thanks for reviewing (nearly) every chapter!  
  
Thanks to all who read, and even more thanks to all who reviewed!  
  
Now, if you really want to make our day, you know what to do! Pretty please? And it has the added bonus that in 6 months when we go and look at our reviews, we may get inspired to write chapter 12.  
  
With more love than you'd find in a pigsty full of pigs on heat,  
  
~Googlepuss 


	12. Big A's Ordeal

A/N: Okay, here we go, without the usual 6 month delay for shipping and handling, we give you, without further ado, or we could give you further ado if we wanted to, here it is, the one, the only, chapter 12 of Thom Goes to the Convent!!!  
  
$`$`$`$`$`$`$`$`  
  
Sadly, Thom was unable to speak to his sister that morning, as the day of Alanna's Ordeal had arrived. Thom watched silently as the priests herded her into the Chamber.  
  
To pass the time of Alanna's Ordeal, Rowena took Thom shopping. They visited the same shops as they had last time, and Thom got a lovely new blue party dress which he planned to wear that night. Rowena also chose a dress. "I think the #^^(#! yellow suits me @%&$$#!** best," she confided in Thom.  
  
Soon after, the two headed back to the palace for the end of Alanna's Ordeal. Jon and Gary were already there, and Raoul came in soon afterwards. Suddenly, the Chamber Door opened. Alanna walked out with a stretch and a yawn. "That was very relaxing!" she announced, and was immediately swept up in a kiss from Jon. All the lookers on cheered, glad that Squire Alan had survived her Ordeal.  
  
Alanna was to be officially knighted that evening, during the celebration feast. This gave Thom plenty of time to find his sister. But, knowing him, he left it to the last minute.  
  
Alanna was found putting last minute touches on her outfit for the evening, consisting of a formal skort ((A/N: Men wear skorts!)) and an over-sized tunic. She also wore some jousting socks for warmth (it was mid-winter after all). She planned, however, to removed these before entering the Great Hall.  
  
"Alanna," Thom exclaimed to his sister upon entering the boudoir. "I've got something shockingly awful to tell you!"  
  
"What is it Thom? I'm very busy..."  
  
"Roger's losing faith in the monarchy!"  
  
"Oh, dear gods no!" Alanna yelled with feeling.  
  
Thom suddenly realised what he had said. "I mean Roger's trying to kill the monarchy!"  
  
"Oh, is that all?"  
  
Thom quickly relayed the evidence he had gathered to his sister.  
  
"Right." She said. "If Roger really is evil, will need more solid evidence. I'll slip away during the feast tonight. It's only to be held in my honour. No one will miss me."  
  
)()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()()(  
  
The feast was in fully swing and Alanna newly knighted when Thom noticed her slip quietly away. He was the only one who saw however, as Alanna had thought ahead, and created a decoy. Sitting at her place was a straw dummy, dressed in riding gear, with a sign saying "This is Alan" pinned to its chest. Raoul was casually having a conversation with it, apparently not having noticed it was not really Alanna.  
  
Alanna returned about an hour later, to find her straw dummy engaged in a punch-up with Sacheral. She calmed him down, casually shoving "Alan" under the table, and went to speak to Jonathon. In a moment, he stood up. The two of them moved towards Myles. They continued past the knight to a corner, where they had a quick make-out session before returning to speak to the knight.  
  
Alanna and her group of followers finally made their way to the dais, (each of them managing to trip over Thom's Secret Fairy Diary With Matching Padlock as they went) and stood before the Monarchs. Thom noticed several daggers, a golf club, a cricked bat, and a disgruntled peacock were lodged in the wood beside the Queen's head.  
  
After a moment, the pair acknowledged the gang before them, and Alanna spoke.  
  
"Now, I have an important thing to say, so I'm not going to beat around the bush. You all know who I am, and for those who don't, I'm Alan of Trebond, soon to be of Pirates Swoop and Olau. Now I know we all love a good knighting feast, me as much as the next man, so I hate to mar this beautiful occasion You see, Your Majesties, here's the thing. I know something about someone who may or may not be with or without us in this room. He or she has done something that I know they would prefer not to have cited. Anyway, I think it may be time to cut straight to the point.  
  
"Duke Roger is trying to kill you," she finished bluntly.  
  
"This is outrageous!" yelled Roger. "How could you possibly think that?"  
  
"How did you know it was him?" asked a curious Alex.  
  
"Well," said Alanna, "On one of my frequent trips to the floor, I noticed Roger wore sneakers. For sneaking. My second piece of evidence came when my... sister realized, and told me this morning. And finally, unlike most innocent people, Roger has a voodoo dolly of the Queen slowly wasting away to nothing in the back of his workroom." She then placed her bundle on the table in front of the King and Queen.  
  
"Those models can't do anything!" cried Roger. "They are innocent, as am I!"  
  
"I am afraid there is only one way to solve this dilemma," the King announced. "Trial by Combat."  
  
"Are you sure?" asked Jonathon "I thought you could..."  
  
"Okay, so there are countless thousands of ways in which we could solve this," amended the King. "But Trial by Combat is by far the most fun to watch."  
  
"I see," replied Jonathon.  
  
"Let it be done!" said the King, in a voice that echoed of the paper mache mountains placed around the room for precisely that purpose.  
  
^))^))^))^))^))^))^))^))^))^  
  
And there we go! Time to thank the wonderful peeps and tiddley-peeps who reviewed:  
  
FlamingKnight: Thanki danki  
  
Princess Cora: We seriously have to see that movie again. It wasn't, but it could have been.  
  
Dr Snrubs: TUNGSTEN!!!!!!  
  
Devillkitti8: You know, I think Mary Poppins could have been kinda evil... Maybe she got pulled into a jet engine like Sharry Bobbins...  
  
Hey, did you know "turn" has 35 meanings in out little dictaurous?  
  
So, till nextime,  
  
Toodles!  
  
*cough*REVIEW*cough* 


	13. The Obligitory Final Battle

A/N: Ok, at long last we have an update! Thnks to all those who have stuck with us! Hope you enjoy it!  
  
&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&&  
  
For a moment everyone was silent, staring at Roger with hate in their eyes. Then Sacheral choked on his bean and Raoul laughed at him.  
  
The assembley of Noble Gentlemen, Gentlewomen and Gentlechildren (ok, not so many gentlechildren) began to slowly file out of the Hall and into one of the many combat rooms. Alanna, Thom and their friends went to Alanna's room to prepare, while Roger's supporters went with him. They had 30 minutes to prepare.  
  
Just after Alanna had finished her steam bath and facial, and begun her make-up routine, Gary (who had been absent from the feast) burst in, holding a large brown paper envelope with a question mark on it.  
  
"Guys! I know whose trying to kill the Queen!" he yelled. Everyone looked at him.  
  
"But Gary," said Alanna. "We've already worked it out, and I've challenged him to Trial by Combat."  
  
"Oh," said Gary, disappointed. "But I went to all this trouble, what with the envelope with the question mark on it, and the evidence and all........." and he sat down on the bed, looking dejected.  
  
"Well, that's ok Gary," said Alanna kindly. "Why don't we take a look at your evidence anyway?"  
  
Everyone parked their bums on the bed around Gary, and he opened his giant novelty envelope, a much happier look on his face. "Ok, now this first piece of evidence just looks like a use band-aid, and it is, but the rest of the stuff don't make no sense without it. Now this next thing........." said Gary, pulling a live silverfish out of the bag.  
  
"Um, Gary?" asked Jon, "How is this leading to Roger trying to kill the Queen?"  
  
"Roger?" asked Gary. "Oh! Oh, I was going for Myles. Roger you say? Give me five minutes." And he left the room.  
  
But by then Alanna was ready and everyone trooped down to the Combat Hall for the Trial By Combat.  
  
Upon reaching the Hall, they found Roger conversing with the monarchs. The Queen's shrill nasal voice rang out across the Hall. "This is the worst thing you've ever done!" To which Roger replied, "You've said that so many times it's lost all meaning!"  
  
After a minute, Alanna and Roger then moved to the centre of the Hall. "Let the Combat begin!" bellowed the King.  
  
Alanna and Roger began to dual. The battle was swift. Both duellers were very good, Alanna because she was a knight, and Roger for some unknown reason. Then something happened that would later be described as "shockingly awful".  
  
Alanna was slow to dodge one of Roger's swipes, and the length of sharp metal he was using as a weapon cut through her pants pocket. A signed copy of her soon-to-be-released autobiography "Yes, I am a girl!" by Alanna of Trebond, aka Alan of Trebond, fell out onto the floor.  
  
"Halt!" boomed the King in a booming voice. Quieter, he said, "Give that book to me."  
  
Roger picked up the book. His eyes widened as he gazed upon the cover, and he handed it to the King. The King opened the book, and started to read, muttering as he did. After an hour, he looked up at the twins, who were now standing together. "It says here," said the King, "That Alan of Trebond is really a girl named Alanna of Trebond. Is this true?" he asked her.  
  
Alanna hung her head in shame. "It's true, your majesty."  
  
The crowd of onlookers gasped, and a random lady not important enough to warrant a name fainted. Everyone looked at Alanna, shocked that she would dare to try something like this!  
  
"Wait, there's more!" said the King. "It also says that Thomasina is really a boy named Thom!"  
  
The women in the crowd looked shocked. The men in the crowd looked at each other, smiles slowly spreading across their faces. As one, they let out a mighty cheer!  
  
"What? What are you all cheering about?" asked a female member of the crowd.  
  
"Him," said her husband, wiping a tear from his eye. "He's managed to fulfil all of our dreams!"  
  
The women in the crowd looked confused, but then comprehension dawned on many of their faces. "So that's why there's sometimes mud on my dress," another unimportant woman said. "You use them, don't you husband dear?"  
  
"No-one's ever gone so long without being found out," commented another man, grinning.  
  
Rowena cleared her throat. "#$%$# actually," she said. "There %# is one. Thomasina is !&&% certainly the first to become a court Lady, but %&$# someone had been a Lady for !$% longer than him."  
  
Everyone looked at her, confused. "Who is that?" the asked.  
  
Rowena replied, in a much deeper voice, "Hi, my name's Robert, and I'm a guy."  
  
Everyone looked at her, then cheered again.  
  
"Why'd you do it?" asked someone.  
  
"We switched places when we were ten," said Alanna. "It was just what we wanted to do with our lives."  
  
"I think Alanna had the easy part of the deal," Thom added. "She didn't have to lie to people she cared about all this time. Everyone she cared about already knew."  
  
"Well, that sorts that out," said the King. "Well done to the both of you! Now, let's just forget that this ever happened."  
  
"But what about Roger?" asked yet another random, nameless person. "He and Alan still have to finish fighting!"  
  
But at that moment, Roger put down his sword. "Oh, who needs you," he said, annoyed. "I'll make my own kingdom, with blackjack, and hookers. In fact, forget the kingdom and the blackjack!" As he walked out of the room, a giant anvil dropped on his head, killing him instantly.  
  
"Hmm. The God's must be angry crazy," observed an observer.  
  
Everyone else began to leave as well. As Thom walked out, he tripped over his Secret Fairy Diary With Matching Padlock. "I don't know why I keep leaving this lying around, he said to himself.  
  
Thanks to:  
  
Hawk: Thankies!  
  
Flaming Knight: Woof!  
  
Alanna-of-Olau: :D:D:D:D:D:D:D:D  
  
Princess Cora: GIRLY is a very good thing when it comes to Thom. I think Nita drew a cover for the story. It's around here somewhere.........  
  
Pyromage: Yeah, it's swearing. She swears a lot. :)  
  
Sarai Ice-Elf: Wipes tear from eye poor DotG. Oh well, you get that. It's a shame it went when it did, cos Dr Snrubs was about to join with a girl called Ivy. Never mind. And I still think you have the best TP related name on the planet!  
  
I won't write my name, so hah!: Very happy!  
  
Lady Leah of Chaos: No! More is here, we swears it!  
  
Moonglow13: :D Thankies!  
  
Guenevere: No, not killing you? Oh no!  
  
Antidisestablishmentarianism: The point entirely. Woohoo! :D  
  
A/N: And, the best bit of good news, this may be the last chapter of the story cries but we have 2 more bonus chapters, coming your way within the next few weeks (yes, you heard me. Weeks, not months or years!) It's full of delightful delights and wonderful wonders. So stay tuned!  
  
Googlepuss 


	14. Appendix

This is the first tasty little extra morsel we have included and it is dedicated to all our loyal reviewers but especially: Devilkitti8, Dalamar Nightson, Alanna-of-Olau, Princess Cora, Mage Light and HawK.  
  
Alternative Titles:  
  
Thomasina's Adventures Through the Looking Glass  
  
Thomasina and the Magic Apple  
  
Thomokio  
  
Thom and the 7 Court Ladies  
  
101 Pages in Training  
  
The Toenail Queen  
  
An Awfully Dandy Adventure  
  
Previews:  
  
Thom Goes to the Convent 2: Thom Goes to the Convent and the Unnecessary Sequel  
  
Thom hurriedly created a porthole to talk to his sister in. "Alanna, I've done something terrible!" he cried.  
  
Alanna looked stern. "Did you wreck my car?"  
  
"No," replied Thom, confused.  
  
"Did you raise the dead?" asked Alanna.  
  
"Yes!" cried Thom.  
  
"But the car's okay," asked Alanna.  
  
"Yes." Replied Thom.  
  
"Ok then."  
  
Join Thom and his husband Gary as they set off on a whirlwind big city adventure to help Alanna stop Duke Roger once and for all!  
  
Thom Goes to the Convent: The Game  
  
Help Thom fulfil his dream as you battle frogs, Convent Staff, nasty girls and more! Help Thom pick out his wardrobe and learn palace etiquette. Available now on PC, X-Box, PS2 and GBA.  
  
Thom Goes to the Convent: The Soundtrack  
  
Full of wonderful songs that inspired the story. Includes: Man, I feel like a Woman; The Chicken Dance; The Macarena; The Hokey Pokey; On the First Day of Christmas; Hakuna Matata; and many more!  
  
Daine the Wildmage in... To Kill A Mockingbird  
  
Daine is outraged when she discovers a royal decree legalising the killing of mockingbirds. Follow her adventures as she hunts down the perpetrator in this legal thriller.  
  
Song of the Harry Potter-ess  
  
Follow Alanna's adventures in Hogwarts School of the Brave and the Ignorant (4 days without a murder!) as she ventures to become the first female wizard! Regardless of the fact she could become a witch. (This on is a real fic! Read it! Go on, I dare you!) 


	15. Letter of Complaint

Letter of Complaint  
  
To save you the trouble of thinking of your own ways to abuse us, we have created this handy generic Letter of Complaint. Simply select the appropriate options and away you go! Kind regards, Googlepuss.  
  
Dear Googlepuss,  
  
I have recently read your story, Thom Goes to the Convent, and was appalled at your...  
  
# Obvious lack of morals  
  
# Shameless twisting of such a wonderful book into this mess  
  
# Shaky grasp of spelling and grammar  
  
# Portrayal of human tendencies that should be left uncovered  
  
# Putting a young boy in such a situation  
  
# Horribly confusing me from chapter 1  
  
# Inept plotting  
  
# Reliance on Simpsons jokes  
  
# Irritating characters that all sound the same  
  
# Incredibly long delays between updates  
  
# Other (please specify)  
  
I am...  
  
# A horrified fan of the original works  
  
# An over-protective Tamora Pierce fan  
  
# A confused pre-teen  
  
#A concerned parent  
  
# An unamused copyright holder for (please specify)  
  
# Tamora Pierce  
  
# An aspiring assassin  
  
# Other (please specify)  
  
How can you live with yourselves knowing...  
  
# You have soiled something so wonderful?  
  
# You took 80% of the jokes from The Simpsons and another 10% from Dr Snrubs?  
  
# You have destroyed the world of Fanfiction for me forever?  
  
# People all over the world will now view Thom, and for that matter every other male in the series, in an entirely new way?  
  
# I am now continually tripping over Thom's Secret Fairy Diary with Matching Padlock?  
  
# The ending of your story is so unbelievable a pre-schooler would think it lame?  
  
# You are clearly Histories Greatest Monsters?  
  
# You are a shameless parasite?  
  
# You are the defendant?  
  
# You are immature beyond belief?  
  
# You are on Jesus Christ's official shit list?  
  
I'd like to add that...  
  
# The Fairy Diary Joke got old in chapter 5.  
  
# I'll never think of my brother in the same way again.  
  
# I'll see you in court.  
  
# You've wasted (please specify) minutes of my life and I want them back.  
  
# Chapter (please specify) was a complete waste on time.  
  
# My cat's breath smells like cat food.  
  
Up yours, Googlepuss!  
  
Signed, (You Name Here)  
  
YOU'VE READ IT, YOU CAN'T UN-READ IT! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!  
  
Thanks to:  
  
Alanna-of-Olau: Thanks! :D  
  
Equestrian-babe101: Yay! Thankyou!  
  
Mage Light: We dunno yet... Though that bit fits in perfectly! Maybe, if we get the time... :)  
  
The Empress Magelet: That's it! "Thom Goes to the Convent: The Untold Years!" :D  
  
Dalamar Nightson: Sure as sugar! grins Snape has a lisp!  
  
Hawk: We're in discussions with Nintendo about that game right now... :)  
  
Thank you so much for sticking with us in this epic 2 year 15 chapter battle! Writing the story was the easy part. The hard part was writing the story!  
  
Googlepuss  
  
X X X 


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